Five Minutes

New Zealand students may ‘text-speak’ in exams

So, what is the text-speak for “come on over tonight for exam study, baby… and bring two sheep”, anyway?

With thanks to iinet.general, I give you the best White Pages entry ever.

• For the man who has almost everything…
• Trick or treat! Just don’t ask about the trick.
• Happy Merge Day!
• Linux.conf.au registrations are open for 2007. I’m going. Are you? Don’t give me any lily livered excuses about not liking Linux or wanting to spend a week with its users. Why, you c’mere and say that…

From everyone’s favourite Murdoch-owned broadsheet rag:

A SYDNEY brothel owner has resorted to offering petrol discounts to clients in a bid to boost business.

Madam Kerry’s brothel in western Sydney offers clients a discount of 20c a litre if they use one of its “service providers”.

Kerry said high petrol prices were hurting the sex service market as much as any other industry.

Brilliant! Because, let’s face it, the biggest concern guys have when they go massage parlours and other such salubrious establishments is the cost of the petrol to get there and back. Yep. The fear of being caught by anyone they know clearly doesn’t factor into it.

In the interests of helping our struggling hookers, though, I have a few ideas to help their patrons overcome their transportation woes:

• Discounted taxi fares for patrons: johns love taking taxis to and from brothels — even if they live locally and have cars — for some reason I never figured out. Not that I was complaining. They probably helped me buy my car, in an indirect way.
• Strategic partnership for hookers to follow Jehovah’s Witnesses: they’re going door-to-door anyway, so the guys who blow them off can then be asked if they’d like the same done to them.
• Mobile john washes: Just like a mobile dog wash, but with less clipping and more fapping.

Still, it pains me to see our prostitutes on struggle street. I guess they really do have something in common with the farmers beyond the whole “sowing seeds” thing. I guess there’s a possible partnership there, too, but try as I might, I can’t think of anything other than a Dolly Parton film…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repress all memories of that film again.