Five Minutes

From everyone’s favourite Murdoch-owned broadsheet rag:

A SYDNEY brothel owner has resorted to offering petrol discounts to clients in a bid to boost business.

Madam Kerry’s brothel in western Sydney offers clients a discount of 20c a litre if they use one of its “service providers”.

Kerry said high petrol prices were hurting the sex service market as much as any other industry.

Brilliant! Because, let’s face it, the biggest concern guys have when they go massage parlours and other such salubrious establishments is the cost of the petrol to get there and back. Yep. The fear of being caught by anyone they know clearly doesn’t factor into it.

In the interests of helping our struggling hookers, though, I have a few ideas to help their patrons overcome their transportation woes:

• Discounted taxi fares for patrons: johns love taking taxis to and from brothels — even if they live locally and have cars — for some reason I never figured out. Not that I was complaining. They probably helped me buy my car, in an indirect way.
• Strategic partnership for hookers to follow Jehovah’s Witnesses: they’re going door-to-door anyway, so the guys who blow them off can then be asked if they’d like the same done to them.
• Mobile john washes: Just like a mobile dog wash, but with less clipping and more fapping.

Still, it pains me to see our prostitutes on struggle street. I guess they really do have something in common with the farmers beyond the whole “sowing seeds” thing. I guess there’s a possible partnership there, too, but try as I might, I can’t think of anything other than a Dolly Parton film…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repress all memories of that film again.

One of the nice things about setting up a new blog — or any Web site — is the possibilities. One of the frightening things about setting up a new blog is actually coming up with some sort of content to fill it.

As the name of this blog suggests (it’s called Five Minutes, for those playing the home game), I’m going to attempt to write for five minutes a day about whatever takes my fancy. Call it the site’s gimmick, or reason for being.

Why five minutes? The main reason is that I’m trying to learn to write better under time pressure. Scriptwriting classes where you have 90 minutes to write a few pages can be a bit intimidating, to say the least. Writing under even more time pressure seems to be a good idea to me.

Of course, it’s likely that I won’t get to this every day, due to uni, work, cricket, and the myriad other things that eat away at my time, but let’s see how long I can keep it up.

Well, that’s five minutes.