I've decided to retire this blog — I don't really see myself updating it any time soon, and haven't for over two years anyway. I intend to leave the content on-line for the forseeable future, but have converted it to a static site. As a result, dynamic things like search and comments aren't really going to work.

You can find me on Twitter or on Google+ if you like. Alternatively, I'm usually on IRC as LawnGnome on Freenode.

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Archive for August, 2006

Pro Discounts

Thursday, August 31st, 2006

From everyone’s favourite Murdoch-owned broadsheet rag:

A SYDNEY brothel owner has resorted to offering petrol discounts to clients in a bid to boost business.

Madam Kerry’s brothel in western Sydney offers clients a discount of 20c a litre if they use one of its “service providers”.

Kerry said high petrol prices were hurting the sex service market as much as any other industry.

Brilliant! Because, let’s face it, the biggest concern guys have when they go massage parlours and other such salubrious establishments is the cost of the petrol to get there and back. Yep. The fear of being caught by anyone they know clearly doesn’t factor into it.

In the interests of helping our struggling hookers, though, I have a few ideas to help their patrons overcome their transportation woes:

  • Discounted taxi fares for patrons: johns love taking taxis to and from brothels — even if they live locally and have cars — for some reason I never figured out. Not that I was complaining. They probably helped me buy my car, in an indirect way.
  • Strategic partnership for hookers to follow Jehovah’s Witnesses: they’re going door-to-door anyway, so the guys who blow them off can then be asked if they’d like the same done to them.
  • Mobile john washes: Just like a mobile dog wash, but with less clipping and more fapping.

Still, it pains me to see our prostitutes on struggle street. I guess they really do have something in common with the farmers beyond the whole “sowing seeds” thing. I guess there’s a possible partnership there, too, but try as I might, I can’t think of anything other than a Dolly Parton film

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repress all memories of that film again.

And now, I present today’s university experience as a series of scenes

Monday, August 28th, 2006
FADE IN:

1. EXT. CAR PARK. DAY

Our HERO hops out of his car with his backpack and bolts for the lecture theatre.

HERO

Fuck, it’s bright. If only I had my sunglasses…

2. INT. LECTURE THEATRE FOUR. DAY

Our HERO sits next to a WOMAN.

WOMAN

Oh, you left these behind last week…

It’s the sunglasses.

HERO

Oh, thanks.

HERO

(inner monologue)
So much for my theft theory. Who knew you could still trust people?

3. INT. LECTURE THEATRE FOUR. DAY (LATER)

A relatively YOUNG LECTURER is explaining something to do with matrix arithmetic. He’s valiantly trying to make it interesting and failing.

YOUNG LECTURER

…and so, if we sum the rest of this formula for each cell in the row, we get the determinant…

Cut to a group of very confused looking students who wish they’d paid more attention in year 12.

4. INT. LECTURE THEATRE 5. DAY

A SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER shows clips from various films across a series of dissolves. They seem to have rather more George Clooney than would be considered normal.

5. INT. CLASSROOM. DAY

About twenty students are dotted around a classroom working away at computers. Well, the computers that are working, anyway, since half a dozen are busted as usual. The sounds of workmen hammering in the next room can be heard. The SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER is at the front of the class talking about the assignment while a few people whisper to one another about their scripts, life and the fact that one of the students was nice enough to shave her moustache this week.

SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER

So, on the first…

A drill starts, runs for a couple of seconds, then stops.

SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER

(thrown)
…er, assignment, you should have…

The drill starts again and runs for another couple of seconds.

SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER

(thrown)
…a synopsis…

More drill for three or four seconds.

SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER

(thrown)
…done by now…

The drill starts again, never to be quieted for the scene.

SCRIPTWRITING LECTURER

(inaudible)
…so that you can do a first draft before next week.

The subtitles say something different: “What I’m really saying is that, just like every other lecturer at this uni, I assume that you have no other units, commitments, or a life.”

6. INT. COMPUTING CLASSROOM. DAY

Compared to the last classroom, one obvious thing is that all the computers work. Another is that hardly anyone is present and there is no conversation at all. Our HERO works away at a computer.

HERO

(to himself)
How can so much information be placed into these workshops with so little of it being useful?

The YOUNG LECTURER from earlier glares at our HERO for disturbing the quiet.

HERO

(tired, beaten)
Well, just another day at WTF University.

FADE OUT.

Don’t Sniff the Ethernet Cables, Kiddies

Friday, August 25th, 2006

One of the nice things about setting up a new blog — or any Web site — is the possibilities. One of the frightening things about setting up a new blog is actually coming up with some sort of content to fill it.

As the name of this blog suggests (it’s called Five Minutes, for those playing the home game), I’m going to attempt to write for five minutes a day about whatever takes my fancy. Call it the site’s gimmick, or reason for being.

Why five minutes? The main reason is that I’m trying to learn to write better under time pressure. Scriptwriting classes where you have 90 minutes to write a few pages can be a bit intimidating, to say the least. Writing under even more time pressure seems to be a good idea to me.

Of course, it’s likely that I won’t get to this every day, due to uni, work, cricket, and the myriad other things that eat away at my time, but let’s see how long I can keep it up.

Well, that’s five minutes.